Why God made moms” answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions.

Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats alot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goof ball
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back of her head

We had a wonderful time (and great weather) for our annual Easter Egg Hunt.

See the pictures here

Meet my daughter, Amanda. Four years old and a fountain of knowledge. The other day she was reciting a list of all the facts and tidbits she has memorized. One plus one is two. If you mix yellow paint with blue you get green. Penguins can’t fly….On and on she went.

Finally, she finished. “Mom,“ she said, looking very smug, “I know everything.“

I let on as if I believed her, but chuckled to myself thinking of all the “this and that’s” that a four-year-old child couldn’t possibly know. Comparing her four years to my almost three decades of life experiences, I felt sure I knew what she knew and then some.

Within a week, I’d learn I was wrong.

It all began as we were standing in front of the bathroom mirror, me fixing Amanda’s fine, blonde hair. I was putting in the final elastic of a spunky pair of pony tails and finished with, “I love you, Amanda.“

“And I love you,“ she replied.

“Oh, yeah,“ I taunted, “well, I love you more.“

Her eyes lit up as she recognized the cue for the start of another “I love you more” match. “Nuh-uh,“ she laughed, “I love you the most.“

“I love you bigger than a volcano!“ I countered—a favorite family phrase in these battles of love.

“But, Mom, I love you from here to China”—a country she’s learning about thanks to our new neighbors up the street.

We volleyed back and forth a few favorite lines. “I love you more than peanut butter”...Well, I love you more than television”...“I even love you more than bubble gum.“

It was my turn again, and I made the move that usually brings victory. “Too bad, chickadee. I love you bigger than the universe!“ On this day, however, Amanda was not going to give up. I could see she was thinking.

“Mom,“ she said in a quiet voice, “I love you more than myself.“

I stopped. Dumbfounded. Overwhelmed by her sincerity.

Here I thought that I knew more than she did. I thought I knew at least everything that she knew. But I didn’t know this. My four-year-old daughter knows more about love than her twenty-eight-year-old mom. And somehow she loves me more than herself.

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.“
The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.“
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
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Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,“ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.“
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?“
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge—Up Yours”

Faith

There was a little old lady, who every morning went onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: “PRAISE THE LORD”.

One day an atheist moved into the house next door and became irritated at the little old lady.

Every morning he’d step onto his front porch after hearing the lady yell: “THERE IS NO LORD!“

Time passed with the two of them carrying on the same routine every day.

One Morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: “PRAISE THE LORD. Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord.“

The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

“PRAISE THE LORD” she cried out. “He has provided groceries for me”.

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges shouted: “There is no Lord. I bought those groceries”

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: “Praise the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and made the devil pay for them!“

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:
What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever
wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We
have all been in situations where someone wants you to give over
100%. How about achieving 101%?
What equals 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26.
  Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =  98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
  11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
  A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
AND, look how far the love of God will take you
  L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D
12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 =  101%
Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close,  and Attitude will
get you there, it’s the Love of God that will put you over the top!

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?“ I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

“NO!“ the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?“

Again the answer was, “NO!“"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?“ I asked them again.

Once more they all answered, “NO!“

“Well,“ I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, “then how can I get into heaven?“

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!“

A recent survey has compiled all the qualities that people expect from the perfect pastor:

Results of a computerized survey indicated that the perfect pastor preaches exactly 12 minutes.

He frequently condemns sin but never upsets anyone.

He works from 8 a.m. until midnight and is also a janitor.

He makes $60 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $80 a week to the poor.

He is 28 years of age, but he’s been preaching for 30 years.He is wonderfully gentle and handsome.

He gives himself completely but never gets too close to anyone to avoid criticism.

He speaks boldly on social issues, but must never become politically involved.

He has a burning desire to work with teenagers, but he spends all his time with senior citizens.

He makes 15 daily calls to parish families, visits shut-ins and the hospitalized, spends all his time evangelizing the unchurched, and is always in his office when needed.